Saturday, June 25, 2011

Wanted: CAVE so dark I can forget EVERYTHING

I have learned a lot of hard lessons in the past month and a half. Most of the lessons learned included things most people don’t have to endure; like my husband being gone, leaving me with four little kiddos and little sanity.

My husband is in the Air Force, and he goes on these trips several times a year. Usually I have a 2-3 day adjustment period to get used to being on my own again but this time I just can’t seem to get past it.

Today another deadline comes and goes, and even though it was a personal deadline it still HURTS to miss it. Especially because this was the revised deadline due to other things that happened outside of  my control, this time I feel like it’s me and that makes me feel like a total loser. I had willing able people to get me through it and I just couldn’t get my life in check.

I know that isn’t really my fault, but some of it is, and it’s my life. I feel like I should have a better handle on things and I just don’t. I have gone to bed every day since my husband has been gone so tired and sore my body feels like a cement puppet. I am trying to make myself move with steel wires that slice through my fingers when I try to make it do something it doesn’t want to. Which by ten PM is pretty much everything.

10 PM guys! That’s hours earlier than usual, and maybe that is part of the problem.

I haven’t picked up a pen in a week. You have no idea what that is doing to my mental state.

I am giving up on deadlines* until I come back from Vacation next month. You have no idea how bad I need a vacation. Of course I wont get to enjoy my vacation for a while, first I have to drive 9 hours with 4 small kids by myself to meet my husband at a rendezvous point so we can drive the rest of the way to Texas together. Joy.

We leave Thursday, if you don’t hear from me after that call the psych ward.

*Deadlines/ commitments I wont be forgetting:

Pirates VS Ninjas over at Ninjachat
A guest blog over at Harry Potter for Writers

and all those other things I forgot about that involve other people I refuse to let down.


Carol Riggs said...

Hang in there! Hope you can get through this dark phase. Maybe you can even log these feelings and use them someday in a novel. Right now, it sounds like family commitments and being a mommy take priority. Sending wishes of Zzzz's and relaxation your way.

Patricia JL said...

Life, don't ya love it. I remember when I was moving and I didn't get any writing done. Drove me nuts. And I didn't have kidlings to deal with. The past few days I've been a little out of it. Started a new job that requires my presence before the sun is up. I'm a night person too. Also I don't think you have worry about letting people down, we understand that life gets in the way. it's evil like that.

Anonymous said...

Writing with 4 kids is hard enough, writing with 4 kids and a husband away is even harder. You do what you can my dear and you'll get through it :)
gotta go my three kids are batteling each other over the last piece of french toast ;)

Caroline Gerardo said...

Make all four get lots of exercise, bribe them to swim and help with chores. For the driving trip: chewable dramamine.

Keep the horizon in mind and be joyful when you see hubby. He misses you I am sure.